She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
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COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*