what kind of cook setting is this??
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
So creative 😂
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Guantanamo Bae
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.