She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
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[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”