She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
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“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs