“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
You Might Also Like
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
A leaf blower, but for people.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share