“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
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I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
How to properly lift a body
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Lmao
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.