Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
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You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Florida be like…
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.