Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
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If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
My what?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
That’s incredible! 👌