[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
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If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Spell check is for lasers.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph