[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
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Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.