[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
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Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Blew out my flip flop…
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.