Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
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How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
peak technology
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
My life in a nutshell
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?