Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
You Might Also Like
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?