@FredPollack: Found a bag of weed in my son's bedroom, absolutely horrified! The thing was practically all stems and seeds.

@ArielBen6: Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don't use a condom

@iwearaonesie: Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5 The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

@david8hughes: [last supper] "Wine!" exclaims Jesus touching everyone's water glasses. "Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol."

@Book_Krazy: Me: you can't just be pretty. You have to be smart too! 8: But mom, you're pretty. Me: Awe thank......wait what?