@SoulYodeler: She's a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
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@themiltron: [God creating the ocean] GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere. ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they— GOD: Make it undrinkable.
@Matt_The_1st: Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria's secret around the house
@shkeeber: Me: *applies temporary tattoos* Mom: Unicorn tats? Me: I'm in a gang. Mom: Ha! With who, Lisa Frank? Me: You just made a powerful enemy.