She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
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[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I saw nothing
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
that’s really how it is
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue