@themiltron: [God creating the ocean] GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere. ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they— GOD: Make it undrinkable.

@Matt_The_1st: Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria's secret around the house

@RobertManchild: [travels back in time] [accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

@shkeeber: Me: *applies temporary tattoos* Mom: Unicorn tats? Me: I'm in a gang. Mom: Ha! With who, Lisa Frank? Me: You just made a powerful enemy.

@philyuck: I just told my dog to "say hi" to another dog. And yes, I realize that's crazy; this chihuahua obviously only speaks Spanish.