@SoulYodeler: She's a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
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@david8hughes: [1st day as lifeguard] Guy: there's someone drowning in the water Me [not looking up from phone]: well it'd be hard to drown in the sand
@upsidedowntrash: Coworker: crazy weather we're having Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
@bobvulfov: [after an accident on the ski slope] ME: did i nail the triple backflip PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
@Fred_Delicious: *Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven* "YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON'T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES"