She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
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Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Breaking news:
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.