What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
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What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.