As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
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*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*