Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
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Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Proctology is located in A55
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!