She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
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ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.