Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
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You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Pringles
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.