My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
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Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
“What movie?” 🤔
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Best spoiler warning ever
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]