@jake_lach: She's like a cat. I don't mean in bed, she just ignores me
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@SamGrittner: POLICE OFFICER: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "Because you know I love riddles."
@AaronFullerton: Doctor: "I'm sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners--" Lou Bega: "Way ahead of you."
@Kendragarden: I said "Margarita" 3 times in the mirror instead of "Bloody Mary" and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.