@jake_lach: She's like a cat. I don't mean in bed, she just ignores me
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@baeblacksheep: If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you'll be if you're breaking a chair on someone's head every day.
@sageboggs: Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
@Chicken_Hawk38: Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
@ibid78: "Sir your résumé says you can read minds." "Yup. And you're thinking 'Why would he put that on a résumé?'" "Oh. My. God. You're hired."