Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
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Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes