PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
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I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
#dnd #ttrpg
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me