She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
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[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience