@whatmaddness: "She's more afraid of you than you are of her," the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
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@Matt_The_1st: Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria's secret around the house
@stephenjmolloy: [Job interview] "You list communication as a strength" Yes "Care to elaborate?" No
@UltraPunch: It's impossible to say "mesh" without sounding like Sean Connery... Also you just tried it.
@Sickayduh: Sketch artist: Any more details on the attacker? Me: No, that's all I saw *shows me it's just a picture of a fist* Me: *sobbing* That's him