“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
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Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.