@hazelmotes1: She's not my fake internet girlfriend, she's my eBae.
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@PaperWash: I'm sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That's your new name now, there's nothing we can do about it.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Sorry, cancer kids. Our prayers are going elsewhere. RT @KimKardashian: So scared I'm not gonna make my flight to Australia! Pray I make it!
@QueefTornado: Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.
@Sassafrantz: Me: There's nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week. Tequila: We're gonna fight every girl in this bar!