@hazelmotes1: She's not my fake internet girlfriend, she's my eBae.
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@Donna_McCoy: Rules for a happy marriage: 3. Separate bank accounts 2. Separate data plans 1. Separate bathrooms
@notacroc: [date] HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
@JasonCarney31: Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in "Damn it, c'mon, not again!" he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge