@hazelmotes1: She's not my fake internet girlfriend, she's my eBae.
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@BoomBoomBetty: Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet. FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it? Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
@YuckyTom: when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
@flashember: [Opening questions in a murder trial] DOLPHIN PROSECUTOR: You are a killer whale, is that correct? KILLER WHALE: Yes. DP: I REST MY CASE
@MythicPicnic: George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.