If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
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Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.