“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
You Might Also Like
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
“What?”
– Jude
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time