Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
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“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
True
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza