@DivorceDiva: Shhh don't talk, I'm imagining you smart.
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@CarpentersCrack: Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented "that sounds delicious".
@brennadine: [Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler? No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously]. Oh, good. [Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
@JhonRules: when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie
@ValeeGrrl: After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I'd handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?