DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
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I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”