Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
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Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.