Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
You Might Also Like
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I have questions??
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma