Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
You Might Also Like
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex