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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
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Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I hate when that happens.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”