@jergarl: Shia Labeouf always looks like he's trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.
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@leechee420: I saw my friend's kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like "good luck guys" and walked away. I'd be a great mother.
@hippieswordfish: it's easy as pie! 'what does that even mean?' *pie stumbles in drunk* pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge 'oh'
@mommy_cusses: *takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree* Okay, now give that back to mommy and don't touch another one, okay?