@jergarl: Shia Labeouf always looks like he's trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.
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@ItsAndyRyan: A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
@Brampersandon_: ME: *to friend* you're dumb as a box of rocks lol BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
@HomeProbably: The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You're either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
@randomapeig: Cop: seen anything unusual? Me: a dolphin with a hat once Cop: I mean around here Me: nah they live in water