Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
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Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?