@jergarl: Shia Labeouf always looks like he's trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone? Me: Two. 4-year-old: It was nine. Teaching her to count was a mistake.
@UltraPunch: It's impossible to say "mesh" without sounding like Sean Connery... Also you just tried it.
@briangaar: Republicans: Don't let Syrians in! Trump: Don't let ANY Muslims in! Republicans: TOO FAR (dude be cool, we’ve got an election to win)
@kumailn: Xmas Russian Roulette: 1. Sit next to parents. 2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop. 3. Go to the website it auto completes to.