Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
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My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
lol
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”