Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
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how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Yup
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
This sounds bad:
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Pat is about to own someone