shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
You Might Also Like
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash