*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
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Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.