Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
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Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care