[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
You Might Also Like
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.