Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
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Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
This trial is so absurd 😭
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.