[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
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‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Finally!
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops