[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
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I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader