“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
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I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose