Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
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Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.