Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
You Might Also Like
Challenge accepted.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?