*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
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Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
A leaf blower, but for people.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village