[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
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[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”