[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
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Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Baking is just science you can eat.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.